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The other day our little family was enjoying an afternoon at the neighborhood pool. Another father came with his daughter, who wasn’t too much younger than our kiddo. Naturally, the two little girls were curious about each other and started to interact and play. (I love watching my daughter make new friends, there’s so much joy and sweetness that comes from tiny humans learning how to play and interact.) Immediately, however, the dad- with all the best intentions- repeatedly kept interrupting his daughter playing by telling her, “Oh, make sure you say please.” “Say please now.” “Oh, no, say you’re sorry that was not nice…” Continuously urging his daughter to use her manners. I assured him it was okay, they’re still very young and learning, but [very kindly] he insisted she was to use her manners with new people.
This dad, again, had all the best intentions in the world. It’s very common with us parents, am I right?? He wanted to teach his daughter appropriate and kind social skills. Every parent wants to be the best leader for their child, him included. However, as respectful and gentle parents, instead of habitually urging kiddos to use manners, I always recommend a better way- just to model it, that’s it! When it comes to guiding our children to develop those social skills, we want them to be genuine with their interactions. When we force kiddos to say things like “hello,” “please,” “thank you,” and “sorry,” it’s not entirely a genuine interaction. Those social skills and manners will come with time when they are ready.
The absolute best thing we can do as parents and caregivers to encourage manners in young children is just to always model model model. Use manners at home, use manners with your partner, use manners with your kiddos, use manners with the drive-thru coffee barista… always just model. Your kiddos will see you and hear you, and they will learn how to act in social situations and choose to use manners in their own time allowing for more genuine interactions. When my toddler daughter says “thank you,” I want her to genuinely feel grateful and thankful, not to say it just to be nice or because it’s what she’s supposed to do. As parents who want to develop that trusting, respectful relationship with our children, we can trust that our kiddos will develop those manners and use them when they genuinely mean it and when it’s developmentally appropriate. Yay!
However, we all know that it’s important to be kind and respectful, so I’m definitely not encouraging the use of no manners ever. When you are in social situations where it would be appropriate for your children to use manners (which is quite often, as we know!) and they seem uncomfortable, they’re too young, or they’re just not wanting to, it’s always nice and helpful to just model those manners for your children. As respectful parents, we want to show our kiddos that, hey, we are here to help, we are on their side, and we are in this together. So go ahead and say “hi” or “please,” whatever it may be, for them! So you always feel like you and your kiddos are a team. Again, don’t force, interrupt, or urge your kiddos to say them if they don’t want to, just model it. You are modeling that simple social interaction for your kiddos, showing kindness towards the other person, and not urging and urging your kiddos to say something they don’t feel comfortable saying.
The other day I was at the store with my daughter and another customer walked past and said, “Wow, look at you. I love your dress and your rainbow rain boots!” What a sweet compliment! I smiled and took a moment to glance at my daughter. I always want to give her the opportunity to speak if she wants to, but she definitely looked a little uncomfortable around the stranger with her body language. I turned to the other woman, and with a big smile I simply said, “Aw, thank you! We appreciate that!” The woman smiled back and continued shopping. A small moment of kindness and appreciation from both sides, without my daughter being urged to speak when she showed that she didn’t feel comfortable speaking.
I’d also like to note that as a parent or caregiver, remind yourself that moments like that one don’t have to be verbal “teaching moments.” I always remind myself that most often “less is more” when it comes to kiddos. They see you and hear you as you model behavior, and every moment doesn’t have to be followed by a wordy explanation. There was no reason for me to follow up that interaction at the store with a, “Remember, it’s important to use our manners and be kind to others…” Etc etc… Definitely not necessary. Sometimes it’s helpful, sure, if your children are older and can understand more about other peoples’ perspectives and feelings. For example, if your kiddo accidentally bumped into someone on the playground, you could talk about how the other person may have felt and why it would help that kiddo to feel better if we say sorry. For older children (I’d say upper elementary grade kiddos), this Social Skills Activity Book gets good reviews and could be something fun to work on together. My daughter is still a toddler, so I don’t feel it’s necessary to verbally “teach” things to her right now. Trying to overload younger kiddos with wordy explanations when they are just too young isn’t really helpful or developmentally appropriate. Children see you. They hear you. They are learning and observing more than enough from watching you and hearing you. It was a quick moment, and we continued on with our day. (:
Whether it’s saying hello to grandparents during a visit, saying thank you to guests at a birthday party, or saying goodbye to the teacher at daycare or school, it’s perfectly okay and developmentally appropriate for young and growing kiddos to not “use their manners.” Take a moment to observe your kiddos, give them the opportunity to speak independently if they choose to, but if they show that they aren’t really comfortable speaking, simply model those manners for them. Trust that they will develop those social skills as they feel comfortable doing so.
No pressure. No forcing. No urging. Model manners, model kindness… That’s all!
Thanks for reading! (:
I often like to include my favorite books at the end of my posts. Books that I’ve learned a lot from and have helped guide me on my gentle and respectful parenting journey. Linked below are excellent additions to add to your collection!
Elevating Child Care: A Guide to Respectful Parenting by Janet Lansbury
No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame by Janet Lansbury
