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My daughter and I were sitting at the table eating breakfast. She reached her arm out to show me something and accidentally knocked over her drink. I sighed with frustration as I leaped up to get a towel before the sticky mess dripped onto the floor.
My daughter sat in her chair, looked up at me with heartbreakingly sad eyes, and said, “Sorry, mama…”
I stopped what I was doing. “Love, it’s okay… You don’t need to be sorry, sweet girl. We’ll get it cleaned up, no biggie.” I asked if she wanted to help clean it up. (Toddlers really are the most selfless little humans. Always wanting to help!) She said yes, so I handed her a wet washcloth and we finished wiping it up together. I told my daughter thank you and that I appreciated her help. I asked her if she felt sad because mommy sounded frustrated. She looked up at me and said yes. I told her that I was so sorry for making her feel sad. I said sometimes when my body feels tired and hungry it can also make me feel frustrated, but as your momma, I need to try to do better. “What else can I do when I feel angry or frustrated, love?” My daughter asked if I needed some water to help cool my body down. (I try to model taking deep breaths and drinking some water when I am feeling angry and frustrated, or when she’s feeling that way, so this made me want to cry.) Here was my sweet child, only on this earth for two and a half years, already so patient, loving, and helpful. I took a big drink of water, thanked her again for her help, and asked if she wanted a big hug. I told her I loved her, and we continued on with our breakfast.
As I was cleaning up the dishes, I thought about our breakfast. As parents, we can all agree that throughout our parenting journey we learn and grow just as much, if not more, alongside our kiddos. I took a moment to recenter myself.
When my daughter is looking at me for my reaction, I need to remember what really matters. It takes a few minutes to clean up a spilled drink. How you handle it lasts a lifetime.
I realized that lately, I was losing myself a bit with my gentle and respectful parenting journey. Instead of showing my daughter grace and connection during moments where she needed it, I was getting quicker at showing more and more frustration and annoyance. My daughter heard my frustration and felt like a burden, like she did something wrong, like she did something she needed to apologize for. My heart broke as I rinsed our plates. She gave me a reality check this morning, a reminder to not cry over spilled milk.
As adults, we make mistakes all the time. That’s life. We spill a drink. We drop the food. We use too much of something. We accidentally slam a door. All normal things that adults go “oops!” over, and move on.
Why, as adults, do we expect such impossible perfection from our growing and learning kiddos?
Why do we expect them to not make mistakes? Why do we feel so frustrated and annoyed when they do something like spill a drink? Well, we can answer that a little bit, let’s give ourselves some grace, too. It’s triggering to us adults, it’s yet another thing we have to do, hear, or clean up. Our feelings of annoyance, frustration, and anger are valid, yes. However, as adults, we have the power of knowledge and self-regulation. We have the power to take moments of actual spilled milk, or whatever the situation may be, and instead of making our kiddos feel bad for a normal and natural mistake, we can make the self-regulated choice to show them love, grace, understanding, sympathy, and connection. That hey, it’s okay. We all make mistakes. We are all human.
And as parents, we can always repair. If we do get frustrated, angry, or annoyed, always repair. Try to practice the pause, take a breath, go back, and apologize to your kiddos. Show them that you have big emotions, too. It breaks our hearts as parents when we lose it, but those moments can also be moments of connection and teaching. You can model self-regulation and apologizing when you feel you’ve done something that didn’t make you feel too good. It’s so special for those tiny humans to see and hear that, and to know their parents are on their side.
I’m so grateful for my daughter to have given me that reminder. Don’t cry over spilled milk, mommy…
I am including some of my favorite books below that have helped shape my perspective during my parenting journey. I always recommend them time and time again.
Thanks for reading!
Lots of love,
Anna
Elevating Child Care: A Guide to Respectful Parenting. By Janet Lansbury
No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame. By Janet Lansbury
