Daily Self-Care Makes Me a Better, Less-Anxious, Less-Angry, More-Patient Momma

Do you ever wonder why, as a parent, you feel so mad sometimes? Like that seeing-red, hot-air, frustrated, irritable feeling in your core that seems to come out of nowhere? If you’re reading this, you’re probably on a journey just like me to be a mom or a dad who loves and cares for their littles unconditionally, gently, patiently, and with so much respect. I write about gentle and respectful parenting almost daily. I’m constantly taking notes. I have little sticky notes on my bathroom mirror as reminders for things I want to work on. I listen to podcast after podcast, and I always have a book going, about all things related to parenting… respectful parenting, reparenting one’s self, Montessori parenting, etc… I was so often wondering why, after all the work and effort and time I was putting in to learn to be the best parent I can be… was I still getting so irritable, frustrated, angry, impatient, and overwhelmed? Like, I know what I‘m supposed to do and say during difficult moments with my daughter, but sometimes in the moment, I just get so… ugh. I feel like I want to yell, raise my voice, and stomp off to another room to shut the world out. I just couldn’t understand why I couldn’t be my best self and the best momma all of the time when I had all this knowledge and information gathered in my brain.

One of the things I see and hear parents say so often is that when you’re a parent, you’re growing and learning just as much, if not more, alongside your children. That couldn’t be more true, and I think every parent would agree 100%. My daughter just turned three, and I feel like every month that goes by and she gets older, I’m learning even more and more about myself. I wish I was this perfect, whole, all-knowing parent the moment she came into the world, so she wouldn’t have to be on this journey of growth with me. I am so thankful every day for my daughter’s unconditional grace, love, and patience as I’m trying to be the best momma. Some days I rock this parenting thing, and other days I get impatient, frustrated, and have to apologize.

It took some time, but I finally realized that I just wasn’t taking care of myself properly, I wasn’t giving my body what it needed. There is a whole social movement going on all about self-care and how important it is, especially for parents. Social media often gets a bad rep, but I’ll be honest, all of the “self-care” stuff I was seeing on social media actually did help with my perspective and awareness surrounding it. When you’re a parent, it’s so easy to lose yourself. You can put everything… your children, your partner, your home, your job… all of it, ahead of yourself. Mommas are unconditionally giving, generous, selfless, loving, superheroes. We drain our cups for others while only leaving tiny drops left for us.

Because I wasn’t caring for myself physically and mentally, it was affecting my parenting. I wasn’t feeling good, so I didn’t have as much patience, understanding, and grace to give. I wasn’t healthy, and in return, I was quicker to get frustrated, impatient, and angry. When it comes to kiddos, you have to meet their basic needs. If they’re hungry? They show it. If they’re tired? They show it. If they’re overwhelmed, hurting, sick, uncomfortable… they show it. Kids are the perfect examples of how important it is to take care of your needs to be your best self… to be happy, healthy, and feel good. I told myself that basically, I need to remember to take care of myself just like I have to take care of my daughter, a toddler… haha! I need to hydrate, eat properly, remove myself from situations that are overwhelming, overstimulating, and uncomfortable, get enough rest, stay clean… all the things we do to take care of our kiddos the best way we can… we have to remember to do that, too. We are adults, but we are still kids at heart, and we need to be just as loving, caring, and nurturing to ourselves.

One of the main things I need for my mental health is my little self-care morning routine. I talk more about my routine in my post, The Daily Routine I Need For My Mental Health & Well-Being, so I’d love for you to read it. I love, and need, that quality “me-time” to take care of myself in the morning, complete little household management tasks, be able to have quiet time to work, and just set up a good foundation for the day. I don’t like to spend time on my phone or the computer in front of my daughter. I really want to be as present as I can with her during the day, so anything I have to do on a screen, I like to do before she wakes up. Of course, sometimes there are little things I need to do here and there, and as a society, we do so much on our phones, so I don’t let myself feel guilty if I have to use my laptop or phone. I just try to make it as minimal as possible. It shows her that momma is present, and honestly, it helps me avoid things like unnecessary social media scrolling (which can affect mental health, as we all know) and Target app browsing (haha!). It’s so easy for me to get distracted and lose myself in my phone down all those rabbit holes, so it’s better for me to just keep it out of sight for the most part during the day.

So, I have anxiety, some mild OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder), and inattentive ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder). In The Daily Routine I Need For My Mental Health & Well-Being, I touch on how my morning routine helps with maintaining my mental health and gives me a better start to the day. Overall, though, throughout the day, I have to also be mindful to take care of myself and give my body- both physically and mentally- what it needs, including keeping myself hydrated and fed properly. I heard (from a professional, it was actually a Pediatrician who studied in nutrition, but now works as a special education teacher and has been for years. So I trust her!) that dehydration can make symptoms of anxiety and ADHD worse, so I keep a water bottle with me at all times, making sure I stay hydrated throughout the day. We have our main meals of the day, but just as my daughter likes and needs her snacks, I also make sure I’m eating healthy snacks between meals, too, so that my blood sugar doesn’t dip and dive throughout the day. When we go out, I always bring my daughter’s water bottle and a good snack or two for her, so I started making sure I was doing the same… bringing my water and a snack with me. I try to be mindful of what we eat on a daily basis, too, of course… getting enough protein, fruits, veggies, etc… all the good things. Again, just so we feel good throughout the day and so our blood sugar isn’t all over the place. Before I was letting hours go by where I was forgetting to drink water, prepping snacks for my daughter but forgetting to eat myself, and I knew that “hangry” (hungry + angry) feeling was getting the best of me all too often. We would come home from some errands or a fun activity in the afternoon and I felt so icky. I was irritated, I would get easily frustrated with both my daughter and the dog, and I knew I needed to be more mindful of taking care of myself. Just as my daughter would potentially get upset, show some big feelings, and not feel well if I didn’t feed her properly, it’s the same idea with adults. Instead of crying, though, we might show this lack of care through anger and frustration… a “temper tantrum” in our own adult way, you know?

I’m writing a lot (as usual, if you’re familiar with my posts!). A good morning routine and an overall mindset to make sure I eat properly and stay hydrated… that’s really about it so far. Pretty simple. It’s not a lot, I promise. (: I will touch on a couple more things before I wrap up this post. I always read about how so many mommas struggle during the day, don’t feel well, battle anxiety and depression, and more… I know personally how important self-care is, especially for parents who are giving so much of themselves to raise tiny humans, so I want to be as vulnerable, transparent, and detailed as possible if it could possibly help another parent.

Anyway, along with my little morning routine and staying fed, I also have to make it a priority to shower and all that good stuff. It may sound kind of weird… like what? You’re an adult and you need to remind yourself to clean yourself? Ha… yes. I think every momma would understand. It’s so hard to make it a priority to bathe when you have littles. I remember it was such a hassle to take a simple shower when my daughter was a baby. I’d drag in the little baby rocker, strap her in, and hope she gave me five minutes before she started to cry. I would take showers at the oddest times of the day or just wait to shower before we had to go see other people. Sometimes two or three days (honestly, I went four days a few times) would pass and I felt like I’d be rocking a dry-shampoo-mom-bun-washcloth-bath forever. If my daughter napped, it was hard to justify using that precious time to shower instead of doing something else that I so desperately wanted to get done. But taking care of yourself physically is not just about feeding yourself properly and staying hydrated, it’s also about taking care of your whole self. I felt way better, calmer, and happier on the days I actually got to take a decent shower. The days where I’d comb through all my hair, shave my whole legs, scrub my entire body… you know… such a luxury you take for granted before kiddos. I started to be more mindful about making it a priority to at least shower every other day, and always in the morning, so I could get myself ready for the day and have a more normal routine. I’m extremely blessed and grateful to be a stay-at-home & work-from-home momma right now, but it’s something I’ve struggled with a bit. Because you don’t have that consistent work schedule, it’s so easy to have days where any kind of routine goes out the window. When that was happening, it didn’t make me feel good, as I’m someone who really needs some consistency and routine. So now, part of my morning routine is just getting ready for the day… either a quick little session of face wash, lotion, a mom-bun, etc… or also adding in a quick shower. Whatever kind of “day” it is, I still clean up and get dressed to feel good for the upcoming day. (:

It’s so funny how such simple, everyday things become important aspects of “self-care” for parents. Having some alone time, eating, taking a shower… all things that we, again, take for granted before having children. But, all things that are still so important. Things we need to make priorities so we can be the best versions of ourselves.

I read a comment thread one time that was asking parents, “What is something about raising children you didn’t necessarily expect, but now is something you struggle with?” Many parents commented with things like, “It’s SO loud…” “I’m touched out…” “I’m irritated about all the noise and the yelling and the climbing…” Overall, just so many comments on overstimulation. It’s just too much sometimes. Again, just like we have to be mindful of our kiddos’ care… feeding them, bathing them, keeping their environments from being too overstimulating because if not, cue the dysregulation, the overwhelmed crying… it’s the same for us adults (basically, we have to treat ourselves like giant toddlers). Anyway, that’s another thing I try to be mindful of. If we’re in a place that’s overwhelmingly loud, busy, unfamiliar, etc… it’s going to be a lot for my daughter, so I keep the same mindset for myself. Because of my ADHD, lots of stimuli are overwhelming for me, too. I get distracted, overwhelmed, can’t focus, and in return, it can make me feel irritable, just as the other parents described. So during the day, we keep the home pretty quiet. My daughter has her quiet playtime in the morning, we might have some soft music playing during the day or a story on her Tonie box, and we generally keep the tv off and the noise to a minimum. She’s a little more sensitive to noise and transitions, so having a loud, bright tv on is sometimes just too overwhelming. It’s the same for me. When the tv is on, the dog is barking way too much and being extra crazy, my daughter is using her lungs very well and jumping all over the place… it can be a lot. I try my best to set physical boundaries, patiently and proactively manage the noise and the environment the best I can- for both of our sakes, and to be mindful to recognize when it’s a little too much for either of us, wherever we are. For us, a generally quiet home inside, lots of playtime and walks outside if possible, and enough downtime and rest when needed all help. We have a baby gate that separates the kitchen and living room area, so sometimes I need to separate us from our dog. We love our fur baby, but too much excitement from him is overwhelming. So if my daughter is trying to play, we’re trying to eat, or whatever it may be and she’s way too distracted by our dog, it shows me they need to take some space from each other. If my husband is home and I start to feel overwhelmed, touched out, and like I need to take some space from everyone, I’ll ask him if he feels okay to mind all of them and I’ll go upstairs and fold some laundry or something for a bit. Again, just being mindful of how my daughter is feeling, how I’m feeling, and doing what I can to be proactive about us feeling too overwhelmed before anyone gets a little too upset, frustrated, or irritable. (:

So… basically treat your kiddos, treat yourself, and treat your fur babies like everyone has the mindset of a toddler, and life will be good! Haha… kidding, of course. But in a way, it is kind of true.

Overall, as parents, we need to be mindful, selfish, and proactive about taking care of ourselves and doing, or not doing, what our bodies and minds need. That self-care, that self-love that you need during the day is not something to be put on the backburner, even though it’s always easier said than done. When I take care of myself both physically and mentally, I am a much, much better parent and a better partner, too. I’m so much happier, calmer, controlled, patient, understanding, and graceful. I’m able to be who my daughter needs me to be, and I’m able to put my best self forward for the day. Change is hard, though, and it’s a process. Little things go a long way. It’s so difficult with littles to make time for yourself. Mindfulness and awareness are the first steps. Little changes come next. Don’t be afraid to be selfish about what you need, but also don’t forget to give yourself grace. If you feel like you need to do something different or do something more, but don’t have the energy or the time… or if you feel like you got a little more frustrated than you wanted because you didn’t feel good in the moment… whatever it may be… Always, always give yourself grace. Our days as parents will never be perfect. Life is lovely, busy, bittersweet, and crazy. Making time for yourself and for what you need is crucial, but knowing the importance of flexibility for all that life throws our way day by day is necessary, too. It’s a balance that takes time and effort.

I hope this post can provide some support and solidarity if you’ve been struggling like me, feeling like you’re lacking in self-care, and having days where you feel like you’re stepping off the path of your respectful and gentle parenting journey. We’ve all been there. Being a parent really is the most bittersweet thing. We are all learning, growing, and finding our way. We are all in need of lots of grace.

Another long, lengthy article. I am always so, so appreciative of my readers for supporting my site and for going on this little parenting journey with me. We can do this!

Lots of hugs. Love of love. Lots of thanks for reading.

Anna

Links from post:

The Daily Routine I Need For My Mental Health & Well-Being

Tonie box (music box) for kids on Amazon, Click here to view