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A toddler, a newborn, a puppy… oh my! We’ve been loving life as a family of four (well, five if you include our fur baby, Finn) for a few weeks now. Life is a little crazier, but we wouldn’t have it any other way. Our daughter is proud of her role as a new big sister and has embraced life with a baby sibling a lot more smoothly than we anticipated. We still have to be mindful to be understanding and patient, of course, as becoming a big sibling is one of the biggest changes in a child’s life and it can be difficult for kiddos. However, so far our daughter loves to love on her baby brother. She gives him all sorts of cuddles and kisses and affection. My momma heart just melts seeing them together!
One thing I’ve noticed, though, is that the language around being a big sibling is focused around helping… things have been said many times such as, “Are you making sure to help mom and dad with baby brother?” and “Are you being a helpful big sister?” “Are you being a good sister and helping with your brother?” and so on… things like that. I know these questions are asked with love and good intentions, and I know they are meant to make my daughter feel special and proud of her role as a big sister. I totally get it! But, it’s important to remember that it’s not a big sibling’s job to help take care of their brother or sister. Their job is to just be a kid, you know?
It’s an adult’s job to take care of the new baby, and also to remember that older siblings are still kids, too. We have to remember that older siblings have the right to not want to physically help with a baby, and they have the right to not really be okay with a baby emotionally, either. Welcoming a new sibling into a family is, as I mentioned above, one of the biggest changes in a child’s life, even when they’re too young to really know it. All of a sudden a new baby takes so much of mom and dad’s time, energy, and attention. It’s normal for children to have a lot of intense feelings and new, difficult, and confusing behaviors before and after a sibling is born. This is true for both younger kids and older kids. The behavior can just present itself in different ways. (:
Toddlers and kids of all ages do have a natural tendency to want to help, though! They love feeling like helpful, contributing members of the family. So, most likely they will probably like and want to help with a new baby. (:
My daughter loves to help me with diaper changes, giving her brother a bath, getting him dressed… all the things. Sometimes I will ask her for little favors, too, such as if she can toss me the burp cloth that’s near her, for example. I always tell her how much I appreciate her help and always always always thank her for anything she does. I remind myself that her help is her choice and that I need to be appreciative, and also that it’s important for me not to expect her to help. That’s not her job. I can’t be frustrated if my daughter doesn’t want to help me do something with the baby. Again, a kiddo’s job isn’t to help, it’s just to be a kid.
So, if my daughter doesn’t want to help with things like diaper changes, baths, or getting her brother dressed, that’s okay. If she doesn’t want to stop what she’s doing to toss me the burp cloth, that’s okay. If she feels frustrated and upset when I can’t play because I have to tend to the baby, that’s okay. If she’s having a hard time being gentle with her brother because she’s only three- and three-year-olds are still very, very impulsive- and needs some help moving away, that’s okay. If she starts crying because she’s feeling sad, while her brother is also crying, and the house is loud and chaotic and crazy for mom and dad… that’s okay. That’s the reality of life with multiple kids!
We have to remember that all of our kids are still kids, no matter what age they are, and to have fair and appropriate expectations and perceptions. Children don’t need to grow up more quickly just because they now have a sibling, they don’t need to be expected to help, and they are also still allowed to have their feelings and developmentally appropriate behaviors. If my daughter is wanting more love and connection even when we have the baby, that’s normal. If she’s upset and super dysregulated while the baby is trying to sleep [that’s really frustrating, haha!] but that’s okay, too. I think the best thing you can do as a caregiver is to educate yourself to the best of your ability on child development and what is normal for a child’s or children’s age, including emotional maturity and impulsivity.
It’s hard, and it’s especially hard when you’re a tired parent with little to no patience and energy left to give because you’re pulled in so many different directions, but with little reminders and maintaining a fair perspective, it gets easier!
When a child becomes a big sibling, instead of asking if they are helping, we could say things like… “Do you like playing with the baby?” or maybe “How do you feel about being a big sister/big brother now?” …things like that. Being mindful of language and questions can shift the perspective of children being expected to help to just being a big sibling. And if you’re a parent or caregiver, don’t forget to remember that older siblings are still just kids, too. (:
As always, thanks for reading. Lots of love from our growing family to yours!
Anna
*Also, it may be different with older children (like teenagers). It’s still not an older child’s job to help. But I know it’s nice to have older kids participate in the collective responsibilities of the home and of the care of younger kids. I know this is especially true in counties and cultures that have more of a community mindset versus the individualistic mindset of Western societies. This post is just a helpful reminder for friends, families, and caregivers to remember to have fair expectations and to remember that kids of all ages are still just kids! They don’t have to grow up more quickly and have the right to just be kids. (:
**Taking time to learn as much as you can about child development is one of the best things you can do as a parent. It helps us have fair expectations and perspectives of children of all ages. Kids can have new and difficult behaviors when parents are expecting, both during the pregnancy and after the new baby comes. I highly recommend Janet Lansbury as a great resource! You can check out her website here for more information. I loved listening to her books in the audiobook version, and I regularly listen to her podcast, Unruffled. I have her books and more of our favorite parenting books (books about child development, Montessori learning, reparenting, etc.) linked in my post that you can read here.
