Tantrums

“I think she’s been crying for over 40 minutes…” my husband said when he opened my daughter’s bedroom door to see what was going on. I checked my phone. Yep, it had been more than a half hour. I wasn’t sure how my poor daughter had any tears left. Her face was red, her eyes puffy, and her little body looked so worn out. She needed to lie down and rest… but apparently she needed to get these feelings out more. 

“Tantrums” are a difficult thing. Every child has them. Even adults have tantrums in their own way. The word “tantrum” or phrase “temper tantrum” has a negative connotation, though. I personally don’t like to verbally or mentally use that word, I prefer viewing it as a moment of “extreme dysregulation and discomfort.” It helps me to regulate myself better so that I can be more patient and understanding of my daughter. For the sake of this post, since it’s such a common word and term, I’ll interchange “tantrum” and “dysregulation,” so readers can understand my writing and be on the same page. (: 

So… a temper tantrum. Crying, yelling, kicking the floor, throwing things, maybe even trying to hit… all these wonderful things. If you’re a parent or caregiver, there’s a good chance you’ve experienced a sweet kiddo experiencing a full-blown tantrum, or even little ones. My daughter doesn’t have these intense dysregulated moments too often, most of the time when she gets upset she’ll cry for a bit, get some good and strong feelings out, and then we’ll co-regulate together by talking, me just listening to her or acknowledging how she was feeling, or maybe getting a snack or some water. Sometimes we have to be mindful to move her into a less overstimulating environment (for example, we’ll move her outside into some fresh air or into a quiet room if we’re stuck inside at a family gathering or something). So when she does exhibit such strong dysregulation… a full-on tantrum… sometimes it throws me off guard. But in every moment of extreme dysregulation, I try to take it as a learning opportunity to practice regulating myself and accepting all her feelings. 

Her most recent tantrum, all started when we were getting ready for bed. My daughter was getting over a cold, so I got her one of her pink washcloths to keep in bed with her if she had to blow her little nose. She didn’t want it. I insisted I keep it by her pillow if she changed her mind, but once again she said no and threw the washcloth into the hamper. “Hmm…” I thought. “She’s feeling a little upset tonight.” Understandable, it was a little later than normal and she was sniffly. She has the right to not feel good. When she was getting her pajamas on, she didn’t want to wear anything clean. She wanted the nightgown in the wash. She started crying and yelling for her nightgown. I was startled a bit because again, she usually doesn’t show such strong, dysregulated behavior. I reminded her that her nightgown was in the washer and that we will make sure to get it dried and ready for tomorrow night. At this point, though, all logic was going out the door. She was not in the mindset to accept logical ideas and thoughts. Her emotions were taking over and she was just upset. My daughter yelled “Noooo” again and threw herself to the floor. She was crying and starting to kick the ground. “Oh my…” I thought. Again, this type of behavior sometimes throws me off guard. I asked if she wanted some love and to lay down in bed and read books with me. She shouted for me to go away and give her some space… she was not in the mood for any type of physical comfort. I realized at this point that I just needed to give her some time and space like she asked. I took a seat on the ground, close enough to where she could see I was still there for her, but far enough away that she didn’t feel like I was trying to force any physical comfort on her. I knew I just needed to sit, be patient, show her that I’m there for her, respect her boundaries, and accept her feelings while she got these big, heavy emotions out. 

After a few minutes of crying, I looked at her, smiled, and offered my hands up in a hug gesture. She once again yelled no, scooted further away, and began kicking the floor even harder. No physical comfort, I reminded myself. Just let her be. 

I was starting to get tired, so I moved to sit on her bed and flip through some of her books. Maybe if she saw me looking at the books, she’d want to come over and join me. Nope… my daughter yelled “Noooo!” and proceeded to roll over and cry even harder. Again, I had to remind myself just to be patient. She was in an extreme state of dysregulation. She was not being “disrespectful.” She was not being “mean.” She was not a “brat.” (All things that I have read or heard other parents say about their kids during tantrums.) She was simply in a complete state of normal and developmentally appropriate emotional dysregulation. She didn’t have control over her emotions and the logical part of her brain was basically nonexistent. There was no reasoning with her, she just had to get these big ol’ feelings out. 

If this was happening in a place that was unsafe or inappropriate, I would have moved her, probably with her yelling and thrashing her body. It’s important that as parents or caregivers, we are mindful to accept our children’s feelings, but to also make sure they are physically safe and in a place to feel safe to get their feelings out. I don’t ever want to force any physical touch on my daughter, the only exception is just if I would have to pick her up and move her to a safe place. Because she was in her own room, her feelings… including her kicking, crying, and rolling around… were safe for her to do and get out. If she was trying to break something or hit or kick me, I would of course set a boundary and not let her do that. But again, kicking the carpeted floor wasn’t hurting anything or anyone. She wanted her space to cry and roll around and kick the floor, so I respected that. I sat quietly and let her be. 

I didn’t distract myself with other things (after the reading-the-books attempt failed). I didn’t look at my phone. I didn’t leave her alone by herself in her room. She wanted her space, but even when young kiddos don’t want physical comfort, they still want to know that hey, my person is still there for me. They want to feel supported and know you are still with them, even if not directly by them. If I would have just gotten up, left her room, closed her door, and left her by herself to be alone for no reason other than to just leave, that would have shown her that I wasn’t really there for her. However, if you physically can’t stay with a child during a tantrum, though, make sure they are in a safe space and make sure they know why you are leaving. If you leave them because you’re angry, annoyed, upset, or just “done” with their behavior, that isn’t showing your kiddo that you are there for them and will probably just make the tantrum worse. You want to gently support them as well as you can. You don’t have to verbally or physically comfort them and you don’t have to try to distract them from it. Simply just be there and be present to the best of your ability in that moment… Again, though, life happens and we have to be realistic of other things going on, such as other children and things to tend to, but anything you can do to be mindful to support your struggling babe and be present with them, that’s the best thing to do. If you need to walk away for a moment to take some space of your own to regulate yourself, that’s of course a priority, too. It’s hard to gently support kiddos through such intense emotions and it can take a toll on us caregivers. 

Anyway, time was ticking on and my daughter was still extremely upset. My husband came in and checked on us. It was a long, exhausting, loud evening for everyone. I reminded him that as frustrating as it may be, we just have to be patient. I wondered again why she may be feeling so upset. What was happening that was causing her to have all of these big feelings pent up in her little body, which she was now having to get out?

Well, I am pregnant. So there’s that. Just a few weeks away from my due date, actually. Her life was changing, and she felt it. She had felt it for a long time. She loved helping me get things set up and ready in her “baby brother’s room.” She went along on trips to buy things, was patient while I organized things in the house, did some extra cleaning, etc. She was constantly asked by well-meaning friends and family if she was excited to be a big sister. My husband and I were spending a lot of time talking about the new baby and getting ready for the new baby. Children- although they may seem excited and may seem to adjust easily to a new addition- well, they still struggle with a new baby. My daughter’s life was changing so much, and it was probably taking a toll on her. So between being extra tired and feeling sick and sniffly that night… which would probably make anyone cranky… here she was, feeling like her life was changing and sensing all of the impending change, and tonight she just needed to release some big feelings. 

I told myself a big release of emotion, a moment of extreme dysregulation, a “temper tantrum…” was probably long overdue and she had every right to feel so upset. The little things that upset her tonight just made things boil over.

It can be extremely difficult to support kiddos through tantrums. Adults get frustrated and impatient, and they may feel sensory overload from all of the loud noise and behavior during tantrums. It’s understandable and realistic to feel frustrated and dysregulated. It takes a lot of patience, mindfulness, and understanding to calmly and gently support kids through a tantrum. Parents are learning, too. What helps me the most during these challenging moments is to remind myself of my favorite quote… “children aren’t giving you a hard time, they are having a hard time…” and to remind myself that my daughter is exhibiting these behaviors because something is bothering her. She’s struggling. She’s tired, hungry, overstimulated, disappointed, sick, sad, etc… she’s human, and this little human that I love so much needs my help. She needs me to support her while she gets her feelings out and to keep her safe. 

So, I sat. I listened. I calmly and patiently endured the crying and the floor kicking. I took some deep breaths and drank some water to help keep myself regulated. I let myself zone out a bit, think, and just get into a place of calm. Sometimes it’s almost meditative to just sit, even during moments like this one. How often do parents get to just sit down and do nothing? It was kind of nice, to be honest. 

After several more minutes went by, my daughter started to quiet down. At this point, she was laying down in her little reading corner. Her cries faded to little sniffles. Her breathing became more regulated. I thought she had fallen asleep, so I peeked around her bed to where she was and she was still awake, just looking at the ceiling. She turned over and looked at me.

“Hi momma…” she said through some sniffles. Her poor eyes were red and she looked so tired. “Can we read some night night books now?”

I smiled at her and said, “Of course, love. Do you want me to pick you up?” She nodded. I went over to her, scooped her up, and felt her little body melt and give me the biggest hug. My sweet girl.

I gently laid her down in bed, laid next to her, and she scooted to cuddle up right next to me. She took my hand and squeezed it three times… something we do that means “I love you.” I gave her some squeezes and cuddled up, too. I barely got through one short book before she was fast asleep. I slept with her just like that, cuddled up together, the world quiet and calm again. I shed a few tears of my own before I drifted off to sleep. My daughter was having a hard time. She just needed a good cry. It broke my heart that she was so upset, but I knew she felt better now… at peace, and now able to finally rest. 

Temper tantrums. They are not something to be feared, dreaded, rushed, or distracted through. Kiddos just need to get some big feelings out, that’s all. Just like adults sometimes need a good cry, you know? Children need our help to gently and calmly support them through these challenging moments. They will appreciate and love you for it. Supporting and accepting a child’s feelings is one of the most loving things we can do for them.  

You’ve got this. As always, thanks for reading. 

-Anna