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We live in a world full of technology, quick connection, and easy access to incredible resources at our literal fingertips. Technology is a wonderful thing when viewed with a realistic and positive perspective. Technology… I’m talking about things like computers, phones, tablets, and all the things that come with it… like apps, social media, etc… they’re tools for information, education, connection, and even solidarity. As a momma, being able to connect with friends, family, and other mommas has helped me feel connected and feel like I’m not alone in this journey. Having quick access to so many resources has helped me learn, grow, and heal as a mom but also just as a human being.
Something I’ve struggled with in my adult life, however, is the feeling and pressure of needing to constantly stay connected. I’ve felt this pressure, especially as a mom, that like suddenly it’s my responsibility to stay connected and branch out to others when it comes to our family. It becomes this unwritten obligation to reach out, to update others on your family, to keep relationships going, and to just keep everyone connected. And if you don’t, there’s this impression that maybe you don’t care or you’re not thinking about your friends and family. That mindset is just so so far from the truth. We’re surrounded by this technology and these forms of connection 24/7. Phones, computers, tablets… texting, calling, face timing, messaging, social media, emailing… the list goes on and on.
Twenty-five years ago, my parents didn’t have cell phones. The only computer we had was a home computer. My mom wasn’t carrying a phone around or taking time to reply to texts during the day. We talked to our grandma on the plugged-in home phone maybe a couple of times a week for a few minutes. My dad called on his work phone on his way home. My mom included a detailed typed letter with our yearly Christmas card updating extended family or long-time friends about our year. My parents caught up with friends and family in person. My parents- and the rest of society- weren’t surrounded by constant, daily, 24/7 communication. Kids didn’t grow up being told they had to say hi on Facetime calls. The same pressure and expectations that exist today regarding communication were not a thing back then. Your day was about you and your family, about work and school, about your life… not immersed in a phone or catching up on social media. Adults today carry an extra load amongst all of the regular things life carries that didn’t exist many many years ago because of today’s technology and all the forms of connection.
Because of that, it’s all too important to remember that just because we are able to connect and communicate at the drop of a hat doesn’t mean we have to. We do not owe anyone our time and energy. As a momma and just as a person, my focus is on myself and my family. That alone takes enough mental and physical energy during the day and night as it is. My brain is so full of things to do that I have to literally force myself to try to turn off my mind, set down the mental load of the day, and be present with my kids. Taking the time to stop and shift my focus long enough to reply to some type of message takes a lot of time and mental energy. Feeling like I have to respond to the never-ending unopened texts, missed phone calls, unanswered Facetime calls, messages on social media, etc. because I got distracted, was just busy, or because I chose to keep my phone off during the day… it is honestly just incredibly overwhelming and just adds to the constant mental load of things I have to do.
But again it’s not just moms or parents. This goes for everyone. No matter who you are and where you are in your life… everyone is living their lives. Everyone is busy. Or they’re not. It doesn’t matter. Life is full of things we are all doing, working on, thinking about, etc. Extending ourselves to the multitude of other family members, friends, coworkers, neighbors… whoever it may be… takes time and energy.
It’s a privilege to connect, not an obligation.
Of course, we can be mindful to reach out and reply when appropriate or when needed. It’s kind and appreciated to make an effort to reach out when you can. It’s important to let others know you’re thinking about them, especially during birthdays, holidays, and special occasions. I am always, always appreciative of the effort others take to reach out to me and my family. A quick text to answer a simple question is easy, sure. As a person and as an adult it’s definitely important to make others a priority and to make an effort in relationships. In this post, I’m talking about this constantly-connected mindset in terms of a regular, everyday basis… there has to be a limit. There has to be a fair, healthy, and understanding perspective about it. We have to remember those boundaries- that we don’t owe anyone our time, our kids don’t owe anyone their time, and we have to be understanding that others do not owe us their time. I wouldn’t want others to feel like they have to reach out when it’s more than what they can give, and I hope that others don’t expect that from me and my family. Again, it’s a privilege to connect, not an obligation. Just because the tools exist to communicate, it doesn’t mean we all have to constantly use them. Boundaries for yourself, your family, and others are so important.
So, I’m letting go of that pressure to stay connected. I’m reminding myself that just because I’m a mom now, it’s not my job to be overly connected and keep others updated. As a person, I’m not going to let myself feel guilty for not extending more of myself than I’m able to. I’ll reply when necessary, but I’m allowed to respond when I feel comfortable, talk for as little or as long as I want, or even not respond at all. I’m allowed to have boundaries that help me feel less stressed and more present in my life.
Technology is an amazing tool when used appropriately, but it’s not something we need to carry around. Set it down. Let go of the pressure and guilt. Turn the phone off and be present in your life. Focus on what’s important to you. Don’t ever feel bad about those boundaries you have for yourself and your family.
Thanks for reading and understanding.
Lots of love,
Anna
