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My child does not have to say hi to you
My child does not have to hug you
My child does not have to smile at you
My child does not have to look at you
My child does not have to kiss you
My child does not have to say sorry to you
My child does not have to say please to you
My child does not have to say thank you to you
My child does not have to make you feel better
My child does not have to miss you
My child does not have to say bye to you
My child does not have to say or do things because those things are, in someone else’s opinion, socially appropriate or mannerly. My child does not have to say or do things to please someone else. My child doesn’t have to say or do anything they don’t feel comfortable doing.
My child does not have to be shamed or forced into saying or doing something they don’t want to say or do. My child’s feelings of comfort, trust, and security are more important.
But how will they learn then if we don’t tell them to do those things or make them? Don’t we teach them appropriate social behaviors by telling them to say things like “please” and “thank you?”
As parents and caregivers, of course it’s important to help kiddos learn to be kind, respectful, empathetic, and mannerly. I’m not saying to never help them learn or expect these behaviors. We all want our children to show kindness and do things like say “please” and “thank you.” You could encourage older kiddos to show gratitude by doing things like writing thank you cards. We can always model behaviors like how to show thankfulness during the holidays or how to be more kind and empathetic if children (and even adolescents and teens) need help. However, forcing and expecting these behaviors before it is developmentally appropriate, before kiddos understand, and when they don’t really mean it isn’t genuine and isn’t fair. Babies, toddlers, and children… they’re all young, they’re all just learning.
My job as a parent is to always model these social behaviors and manners, such as saying hello, please, sorry, and thank you, so that they learn these things and can use them in time when it’s developmentally appropriate and when they genuinely mean it.
My job as a parent is to also advocate for my child’s comfort. So if my child doesn’t want to say hello, we can say it together or I can say it for them. If my child doesn’t want to give a hug goodbye, then they don’t have to. It’s their body and they have the right to choose. We can say goodbye together or I can say it for them.
It’s important to show kiddos that you are a team and you’re going to step in to help or set boundaries if they’re not comfortable saying or doing something.
I want my children to say things like “thank you” because they’re actually grateful and appreciative, not because they’re forced to say it. I want my children to say “hello” and “goodbye” only if they’re comfortable saying those things.
Little ones will learn to be kind, respectful, empathetic, and mannerly when parents, caregivers, friends, and family treat them and others with kindness and respect, show empathy and understanding, and use manners. The best, easiest, and fairest way to teach these things is always just to model the behavior. Kiddos will be kind, they will be okay. Don’t worry! (:
I hope this helps provide some important, honest, and fair perspective. We all just want the best for our kids, and we want to be the best we can for them, right? (:
Thanks for reading!
Lots of love,
Anna
