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“Mom, do I look beautiful?”
…My daughter asked with a big smile on her face as she came down the stairs.
“Of course, sweet girl. I love your outfit!” I answered out of habit, smiling back at her. A second later, though, I felt my heart drop a bit. My daughter has never asked that before. I thought about my answer… I said “I love your dress.” I began to think about all the times me, my husband, neighbors, friends, and family have said things like “You’re beautiful!” or “You look so cute!” or “Your dress is gorgeous!” or “I like your shoes!” or “I think you are so pretty!”
My daughter has been constantly hearing things all pertaining to how she looks. Of course these things are said with the best intentions, and it’s still okay to say them. As her mom, I’ve said other positive affirmations to her, as well, but now after three and a half years of hearing me, her dad, and other people compliment her looks and talk about how we like how she looks, here she is seeking affirmation from someone else- me– about how she looks. Thinking about that did not make me feel good. Like other well-intentioned parents, I want to raise my children to grow up feeling confident, strong, brave, happy, and to love themselves… not to focus on looks. But here I am absentmindedly contributing to her feeling like she needs to seek out compliments.
At that moment I made a conscious effort to be more mindful of the things I say to my daughter on a daily basis. Again, of course it’s still completely okay to tell your children they’re beautiful, handsome, etc. I journaled some phrases and things I could say more often, and made sure to include things that focus on her and how she feels rather than the way she looks. I want my daughter to feel confident and not to rely on other people for affirmation, and I will work to do the same with my son. So here is what I have so far, a list of positive and neutral things to say that don’t just focus on outward appearance.
Instead of using phrases like “You look beautiful/pretty/cute/handsome!” as often, you could say…
“You look so happy!”
“You look so comfortable!”
“You look confident!”
“You look _____!” (brave, energized, excited, etc…)
Or simply ask them, “How do you feel?” or “Do you feel ____?” (happy, comfortable, etc…)
“I see your new ____.” (shirt, outfit, shoes, dress, hat, etc…)
“You seem ready to take on the day!”
“You look ready for ____!” (school, a lesson, to visit a friend, etc…)
“That makes you smile!”
“That looks like a special outfit!”
“Did you pick that out all by yourself?”
“You have a wonderful imagination!”
“You are so creative!”
You can also easily replace words like “beautiful,” “pretty,” “cute,” and “handsome” with words such as…
Kind
Loving/Loved
Strong
Brave
Confident
Helpful
Powerful
Creative
Imaginative
Funny
Clever
Wise
Enough
…and more!
I’ll add more to this list of ideas as I think of more or hear more. Feel free to share what you use! Hopefully these phrases and words provide some inspiration for you to use with your own little ones no matter how young or old they are. I’m excited to be more mindful of our language with our own kiddos, and I’ll definitely encourage it with friends and family, too.
As always, thanks for reading! (:
Lots of love,
Anna
