This post may contain affiliate links and I can earn a small commission when you use the link. There is no cost to you! Thank you!
This is a thought I’ve been having for a while now. It is something I’ve felt in my own relationship, and after failing to find an article on the Internet that sums up my thoughts and feelings, I decided to just write my own.
Whether you are in a marriage, committed relationship, or simply dating, you shouldn’t have to ask your partner for permission to do something. Why? Doesn’t that seem like the right and respectful thing to do?
Well, yes, in a sense. However, a better, more respectful, more fair thing to do is to always run things by your partner, to communicate. (There’s that all-important word… communicate!) It’s important to be considerate of them, and if you are married and have a family, to be considerate of your family. You should always keep your partner and family in mind when making decisions, whether the decision involves you alone or if it involves others, and you should always communicate the decision. It’s kind, it’s polite, it’s respectful, it’s fair, it’s considerate to communicate with your partner your plans, but not to ask them for permission.
My husband is one of the kindest people I know, he always tries his best. He means perfectly well when he asks me, “Hey babe, can I go golfing on Sunday?” I want to acknowledge to him that I so appreciate the fact he’s asking me and letting me know, but I need to remind him that statements like that, him asking for my permission, are not fair to both me and him.
Seriously, though…? Why? Does it really matter how he says it? He’s still running it by you, right?
Right… But it’s still not a fair question. And here’s why…
To begin, asking for permission from your partner puts him or her in an unfair position. Your partner is now responsible for making your decision and, therefore, the burden of that decision gets placed on them. They can say yes, or no.
For me, when I’m asked a question like that, I can most definitely respond with a genuine yes, of course. Other times, though, I feel obligated to be “okay” with it because if I’m not, well then I’m responsible for my husband missing out on something fun. (Most likely he’s asking to go do something fun, like golfing. Ah, men and golfing…) And that just makes me feel bad. He works really hard for our family, so why should he not go and do that fun thing? So it’s just not fair to put me in that position to make that decision whether he gets to go have fun or not, you know?
Let’s think… When you ask your partner for their “permission,” and they say no, then what? How do you feel? You might possibly feel annoyed with your partner that they said no, right? Because you wanted a yes, of course, and expected one. Now your partner has unfairly become the “bad guy,” because again that “no” may have surprised and annoyed you. And your partner then feels bad because, again, most likely you were asking to do something fun. This is the problem… why should your partner now have to deal with feelings of guilt because you weren’t able to make a decision by yourself. That’s not fair.
I can’t tell you how often I’ve heard partners use the phrase, “I can’t do… I can’t go… etc… because [insert partner’s name] said no…” Now your partner is not only the bad guy for you, but they look like the bad guy to the others. It’s not fair for your partner to be the “bad guy” when in reality, you just weren’t able to make a responsible and fair decision by yourself. If you can’t do something with the buddies because you were supposed to, I don’t know, have lunch with the in-laws, you have an appointment, or you have a long list of things to do, etc… whatever it is… that’s life, and that’s the life you share with your partner, it’s not because “My partner said no…” If you are married or even just dating, please don’t ever use that phrase. It’s really just not fair or respectful. You can more fairly say something like, “I can’t do… I can’t go… etc… because I [insert legitimate and fair reason here]…” It’s not fair to paint your partner as the bad guy who makes the decision of you doing something or not doing something their fault. Is this making a little more sense…?
Putting your partner in that position of the “bad guy” because you asked for their permission [and they said “no”] may lead to annoyance, frustration, and resentment towards him or her, and that’s just not fair to your partner.
Asking for permission from your partner is basically showing that you can’t be responsible enough or trusted to make a decision on your own. I don’t want my husband to ask my permission to go golfing. Yes, he should run the decision by me out of respect and consideration. It would actually be pretty crappy of him not to, right? We’re married and have children, so we need to know where the other one is going to be. Instead, we can fairly communicate with each other to make sure we don’t have other plans or obligations. And even if he knows there’s nothing concretely planned, there’s nothing wrong with him making sure I don’t just need his general help that day. If nothing else is holding him back from golfing, and all is said and good, then he should be able to make the decision to go golfing or not, not me.
Also, I don’t want my husband to ever feel like he needs permission or direction from me on how to spend his free time. If I wanted to take a few hours to go have lunch with some friends, I would not rely on my husband to make that decision for me. I will go have lunch with my friends. It’s my decision. However, as a married person with a family, I have to communicate that with my husband. I have to make sure that, as a family, we don’t have any other obligations. Once we’re on the same page, then that’s that. No asking permission. No waiting for a yes or no response. No putting my husband in an unfair position to make that decision for me. No feelings of annoyance or frustration if he were to say “no.”
Just because you are in a relationship, it doesn’t mean you can’t do things separate from your partner or from your family. We all need time and space to have fun, get some things done, and do things that bring us joy. Again, my husband works hard for our family. He should be able to make decisions to spend some time doing what he wants to do. I work hard for our family. I should be able to make decisions to spend some time doing what I want to do. It’s fair, it’s respectful.
When you are in a relationship, you are a team. People aren’t expected to obey their partners, and people also don’t want to be a “parent” to their partners and make decisions for them. You are a team, and you are both adults. As adults, we have the ability and responsibility to make respectful, responsible, and fair decisions for both our family and ourselves. You can be dating or married and have a family, but you should still be able to live your lives and do, with consideration and respect to your partner and family, what you want to do.
…Understanding the difference a little better? What do you think?
This was a pretty lengthy and wordy article about something that’s actually very simple, but it’s something that many partners struggle with in their relationships. Those who ask permission genuinely mean well most of the time. It’s a great start, and it should most definitely be acknowledged and appreciated. It’s better to ask permission than to flat out not communicate at all. However, again, there’s a better and more fair way to do it, as I explained above. We all just want to be considered, respected, and treated fairly. Just communicate, always!
I hope this helps provide some good perspective!
Lots of love,
Anna
